


i was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

by suttonbrady



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, First Kiss, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Pining, Suicide Attempt, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-09-13
Packaged: 2020-10-14 04:11:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20594498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suttonbrady/pseuds/suttonbrady
Summary: Clarke shoots Bellamy to stop him from opening the bunker door. He lives, but Octavia doesn't so Clarke has to figure out how to live knowing Bellamy hates her.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> No trigger warning for this chapter, but there will be one for the next.

When the death wave passes, Bellamy is not awake. Clarke took care of the shot by herself. She couldn't bring herself to ask her mother for help. After all, she's responsible for Marcus' death as well.

Hours and days pass but she never sees Bellamy. She only went to him once, but he was just lying on his bed motionless while silently staring at the wall in front of him. She tried talking to him but he didn't say a word. If she didn't see his chest slowly rising and sinking from breathing, she would've worried he just died from sadness. Or from the shot. Or both.

For a long time, she tries to just keep herself busy. That way she doesn't have to think about how things could've turned out if she didn't pull the trigger. She tells herself over and over again that it was the right thing to do. That it was the right choice.

She knows she's lying to herself.

It's the fifty-third day in the bunker when she sees Bellamy again for the first time. He still looks just as sad as on the day of Praimfaya and there's still the same hate in his eyes. When he enters the room, he doesn't see her at first. He silently walks through the crowd and roughly shoves some people out of his way. Clarke just sits there, unable to move, and she's not sure if she even wants him to notice her. When his eyes meet hers, she knows the answer.

The look on his face is so angry that it makes her feel like someone stabbed her with a knife. His eyes, that were once so loving, are now filled with hate. Just like him.

For a short moment, she thinks that he's just going to kill her. That he will just take a step forward, grab her by the throat and put an end to all of this. At least then it would be over.

He doesn't.

Instead, he turns away from her, leaves the room with loud steps and is gone as quickly as he came. And she doesn't quite understand why, but somehow that feels even worse.

It shouldn't feel new to her. Clarke has endured many losses of loved ones. Her father, who died before he could ever see Earth. Finn, who she had to kill because he tried so desperately to save her. Lexa, who never got the life she deserved. But nothing ever felt like this. There's nothing worse than having to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive.

Maybe it's the tight feeling in her chest whenever she hears his name. Or the way her heart misses a beat when she hears him talk somewhere because she knows she can't go to him. All that makes it unbearable.

It keeps her up at night all the time, and she'd be lying if she said she's been getting a lot of sleep since everything happened, but this night is even worse than the others. The thoughts in her head simply won't stop coming and no matter how hard she tries, she can't shut them up.

At some point, she gets up and steps outside of her room into the dark corridor. Sometimes she misses the feeling of the cold night air when she leaves her room. On the ground, all she had to do was take a walk through Arkadia at night and suddenly everything felt so much easier. Because somehow she always felt like nothing could happen to her then. The world felt way too peaceful for that in those moments.

Down here everything is worse.

It feels as if she could walk forever, she'd still stay in the same spot. No matter where she goes there are only grey stone walls and wherever she steps there's only cold, hard ground. It feels cruel because there's no way out. All she can do is wait.

She's not sure how long she wanders through the halls. She's not sure why she does it either, because down here everything just made her so much sadder than she already is, but somehow she ends up in front of Bellamy's door.

She stares at the door in silence and wishes it was the only thing separating them. 

Clarke doesn't really realize that she's doing it, but after a while, she slowly lifts her hand and knocks. It doesn't take more than ten seconds until the door is opened and she's looking him right in the eyes.

He looks just as shocked as her. It's been over a month since he last saw her and she doesn't think he expected her to ever come to see him again. Not even Clarke did.

For a few seconds, they just stare at each other but to her, it feels like forever. She's doesn't know what she could say to make it better. She killed his sister, and he will never be able to forgive her for that. If they didn't have history, Clarke would long be dead.

Thousands of thoughts are running through her head but not one tells her what she's supposed to do. She's about to just turn around and leave when Bellamy does something unexpected: He takes a step back, opens the door wider, and tells her to come in with a nod.

When he closes the door behind her and turns to Clarke he still has the same cold expression on his face and he looks like someone robbed him of all his happiness. Like there's nothing left except this big, endless sadness.

„What are you doing here, Clarke?“

It sends a shiver down her spine to hear him say her name again after all this time. His voice sounds different than it used to.

She opens her mouth without knowing what she's going to say, but it's like all her thoughts just end at the same sentence.

„I'm sorry.“

From all the things she could've said, she just had to choose the one most meaningless. „I'm sorry.“ As if he doesn't know that. As if that changes anything. And yet, it's the only thing she can say about any of this.

_I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry._

Bellamy shakes his head. „That changes nothing, Clarke.“ _I know,_ she thinks. _I know. I'm sorry._

Silence. Again. 

„You know“, Bellamy begins eventually. „I never pray. But during Praimfaya, I prayed for Octavia. That she wouldn't suffer much. And I prayed that I wouldn't suffer that much either. But I didn't just feel bad for me or for Octavia. I felt bad for you, too. Because I knew you'd be hurt. I knew you'd regret it. And so that night I didn't just pray for me and her, I prayed for you, too.“

She's surprised by the confession, but at the same time, she's not. Because of course he did. Of course he prayed for her. Of course he understood, even though it was ripping his heart apart. It's so typical of him. So incredibly typical.

„I prayed that someone would help you get through it, too. Even if that someone can't be me. Not this time.“

She wants to answer him. She wants to tell him how grateful she is. How sorry she is. She wants to beg him to forgive her. But most of all, she just wants him back.

She says nothing.

„I know you want to go back and change it, Clarke“, he says and his voice almost sounds gentle. „Because we almost got everything we fought for for so long. Peace. And happiness. Maybe even with each other. But the moment you pulled the trigger, you gave up everything we were. You gave up everything we could have been, and you'll never be able to get it back. No matter how hard you try.“

He's right. She did give them up. And she knew that while she was pulling the trigger. But she did it anyway. Only now, she suddenly can't remember why.

„She was everything I had left, Clarke“, he says quietly. But I always thought, if she ever dies, at least I'll still have you. And that thought eased my fear so many times. But now she's gone and I don't even have you.“

She looks at him and at that moment he looks like the loneliest person in the world.

„I want you to go now.“

She doesn't want to leave. But she does.

„The next time you come here, I won't open up“, he says as she steps outside. Clarke turns around to look at him one last time, but the door is already closed.

It feels final.


	2. Chapter 2

One week later, in the middle of the night, Clarke is woken up by a scream.

Instinctively she gets up from her bed as quickly as she can, swings open the door and runs into the direction it came from. There's a small crowd of people in the hall, whispering about what might have happened, but no one dares to take a look themselves. She can't blame them. It may be safer down here than on the ground, but the memories of all that trauma will stay with all of them forever. She's not the only one who would do anything to erase them from her mind.

She quickly makes her way through the people who are in her way. She's sure someone must be hurt. Down here there aren't many other reasons to start screaming. Except maybe the desperate wish to get out. They all have it.

Only a few seconds later, the screaming stops. Instead, Clarke starts hearing quiet sobs. They sound like they're coming from a child.

She walks faster and faster until finally, she reaches the place the noises are coming from. It's a little girl. She can't be older than nine or ten. She just stands there, looking at a room with a widely opened door in shock. Clarke's breathing hitches.

It's Bellamy's door.

Without thinking, she takes a step forward, although it probably looks more like a stumble, and looks inside the room. When she sees the reason for the girl's screams, it feels like the ground is giving in beneath her.

On the cold floor, she sees Bellamy. He's lying on his back, with both arms to the sides and his eyes closed. He would almost look peaceful if he wasn't lying in a puddle of his own blood.

A few meters away from him, she sees a scalpel on the floor.

A sob rips through her and she puts her hand on her mouth to stop herself from breaking down completely. She stumbles forward and sinks to her knees. With shaking hands, Clarke reaches for his wrists to check for a pulse and lets out another sob when she finds one. But there's no room for relief in her body right now. Her whole body is shaking and she suddenly feels incapable of forming even one clear thought.

She hears more and more people enter the room. Her mother is one of them. Clarke just sits there in shock, unable to move, until someone grabs her by the shoulders and pulls her up. Her knees give in again almost immediately and so the person has to basically carry her out of the room. She thinks it might be Murphy, but all she can see is a blur. Then everything goes black.

When Clarke opens her eyes, she's lying in her bed. Someone put a blanket on her, but her body feels as cold as ice. For a short moment, she thinks that maybe it was all a dream, but then she sees the blood on her hands. Bellamy's blood.

Suddenly it feels like breathing isn't easy but instead, the hardest thing in the world.

_I did this to him._

The thought runs through her head over and over and over again. _It was me. I'm responsible for this._ And then: _I have to see him._

When she gets up her legs are still a little shaky but she doesn't let that stop her. The infirmary. If he's not there, he's dead. And she will be at fault.

Everything in the bunker is silent and Clarke wonders how long she must have slept for it to be night again. When she finally reaches the hospital ward, she feels her heartbeat speeding up. She takes a deep breath, opens the door and enters the room. This time she's capable of feeling relief when she sees Bellamy lying in front of her. His wrists are in bandages and she can see him breathe.

But the relief doesn't last very long, because moments later she feels the guilt overcoming her again. As if it was a wave coming towards her, with its only purpose being her destruction.

She's not sure how long she just stands there, staring at him. Maybe it's hours or minutes, or maybe it's just seconds.

It's Murphy's voice that brings her back to reality.

„You shouldn't be here“, he says calmly. She slowly turns around and is surprised to find something in his expression one might almost call empathy.

„Abby said he'll be fine“, he tries to calm her down but she thinks he knows it doesn't help much. Nothing could.

„Has he woken up yet?“, she asks, her voice hoarse.

„You were asleep for about forty-eight hours, so yeah“, Murphy replies. Forty-eight hours then. She wonders how she can possibly still feel so exhausted.

„Did he say something?“

When she asks that question, Murphy looks at the floor and she immediately knows he's keeping something from her.

„What did he say?“ Still no answer. She can feel herself getting angry. „Murphy!“, she hisses, trying to keep her voice low so as not to wake anyone up.

„Okay, okay!“, he replies and raises his hands in defeat. „But don't complain to me later if you don't like it. Which is a guarantee.“

„Just tell me.“

He hesitates for another moment but then he starts to speak.

„He woke up ten hours ago or something. And he threw a huge fit.“

„What do you mean, „fit“?“, Clarke asks.

„He completely lost it. Started hitting everyone around him and even landed a punch in Jackson's face.“ When he sees her shocked expression, he quickly adds: „But Jackson's alright. Don't worry.“

Something tells her that there's more.

„What else?“

„Why do you think there's more?“, Murphy asks and raises his eyebrows.

„I just know.“

He stares at her in silence for a few seconds, then finally he sighs and starts talking again.

„Some of the guards held him down. He calmed down for a bit after that. Until he asked who found him.“ Murphy pauses. „It didn't take him long to figure out it was you. But don't expect a lot of gratitude when he wakes up.“ Clarke swallows. „Then he started losing it again and started yelling at your mom. That she should tell you that...“ He stops, thinking about whether he should continue or not. But Clarke would never let it go and he knows that.

„That he hates you.“

She knows. She's always known. And yet, hearing the words spoken like that, it makes her feel like someone's suffocating her. Not enough to kill her, but just enough to make every breath torture.

„He said it over and over again“, Murphy says quietly. „Even kept whispering it to himself when they gave him medicine to calm down.“

For a while, they don't say anything. Then Murphy whispers a quiet „I'm sorry.“

Clarke just nods. It's all she can do at that moment. She's about to leave the room when she sees Murphy's shocked expression. Even without asking him, she knows what that expression means.

Bellamy is awake.

She's not sure what she expects when she turns to look at him, but the hateful look on his face sends a shiver down her spine. His lips are pressed together to a tight line and he's clenching his hands into fists, trying to keep his anger under control.

„Go away.“

He says it like a threat. Like he can't guarantee that he won't kill her if she doesn't leave. But she can't. Not this time. So she silently shakes her head.

Bellamy's expression grows darker as he pulls away the blanket and gets up. Only a few months ago Clarke would've declared anyone insane who tried to tell her that one day she would be terrified of Bellamy. Scared of the person she loves most in the world. But she is. She's terrified of him.

When he's standing in front of her, Clarke automatically takes a step back. He's so much taller than her, but before now she barely noticed that. Now it feels like she doesn't stand a chance against him.

„We've known each other for quite a while now, Clarke“, he says through clenched teeth. „After all this time you should know that I don't like to repeat myself.“

She takes another step back and feels Murphy grab her arm. „Come on, Clarke. We should go“, he says quietly but before she can do anything, Bellamy grabs her by her collar and violently pulls her closer to him. His face is so close to hers that she can feel his breath on her skin.

„If you ever come near me again“, he says, his eyes narrowed slightly. „Then you'll regret it.“

With that, he lets her go and roughly shoves her into Murphy's arms, who quickly grabs her and pulls her outside.

That night she cuts off her hair.


	3. Chapter 3

Clarke hates her new haircut.

After talking to Bellamy a week ago she just took a pair of scissors and cut her hair to shoulder length. The haircut itself isn't even that much of a problem. It's what it reminds her of. Or who.

It was supposed to do the exact opposite of that. She wanted a new start and thought, maybe new hair was a good first step in the right direction. But instead, it just keeps reminding her of what she's left behind. And is never going to get back.

Clarke stares at the wall in silence, lost in her thoughts while spinning a strand of hair between her fingers.

„You have to let him go, Clarke.“

Her mother's words feel like a stab through the heart. Clarke knows she's right. She should let him go. Finally forget about him and move on.

If only it were that easy.

„Leave it alone, Mom“, she snaps. Abby reaches for her arm but Clarke turns away in time. She can't stand her pity. Not when she knows that everything that happened between her and Bellamy is her fault. She should have known it would come to something like this. Maybe she did, somewhere deep down, and she still decided to pull the trigger. To put her people above Bellamy, the way she's always done.

Being surrounded by people makes the days easier. They remind her that she didn't only take lives but saved them, too. And they remind her that there was a reason for her sacrifice. Some days it still doesn't feel like enough.

After what happened when he woke up seven days ago she hasn't seen Bellamy again. She asked her mother to make sure he's safe, that he won't hurt himself again, but he barely talks to her. She probably reminds him too much of Clarke.

Sometimes she wonders if he really does hate her, or is only trying to tell himself that. Because she knows that deep down, he understands what she's done. The feeling may be buried beneath all the anger and sadness but it's there. She knows that. She's always known. And in the beginning, before he tried to take his life, she thought that maybe it could be enough. Enough to make him forgive her someday. But she's not that naive now anymore.

„Clarke, there's something you should know“, her mother says eventually. She looks concerned. „It's about Bellamy.“

Before she can even finish saying his name, Clarke is already shoving her aside to leave the room. Another speech about Bellamy and how she should forget him is the last thing she needs right now. Her mother can't tell her anything about her and Bellamy's relationship she doesn't know herself. Like that he hates her. And that he will never forgive her. And that it's all her fault.

„Clarke, no“, she says gently and pulls her back. „It's not what you think.“

Clarke crosses her arms in front of her chest and rolls her eyes. Abby wants her to forget him, yet she keeps bringing him up. How ironic.

„Then what is it?“, she asks impatiently. Her mother looks to the ground and Clarke can feel herself getting angry. Why can nobody ever just tell her the truth without treating her like she's about to fall apart?

„Mom, if you don't-“

„He tried again.“

The words just hang there for a moment. Clarke is the one who eventually breaks the silence.

„What?“

There it is again. The pity in her mother's expression. And just this once, Clarke allows her to do just that. To pity her.

„Three days ago“, Abby answers quietly. It's almost a whisper. „He tried stealing some pills. Jackson was the one who found and took them away in time.“

Clarke just stares at her. She doesn't know what to say. She doesn't even know what to think.

„We'll be more careful from now on“, her mother says gently. „He won't try again, honey. I promise. I just thought you should kno-“

Before she can finish her sentence, Clarke opens the door and starts walking without even thinking about it, directly towards Bellamy's room. Her emotions are a mess. They're a mix of anger and empathy and sadness and fear and she doesn't even know what she's going to say to him when she throws his door open and walks into his room. The sudden noise catches him by surprise and he flinches while quickly turning to her. Somehow it's nice seeing something other than hate in his eyes, even just for a second. A moment later she sees his expression darkening again but she doesn't give him the chance to say anything.

„What the hell were you thinking?“, she yells and hates how shaky her voice sounds. „You can't just-“

„Was I not clear enough the last time we saw each other?“, he interrupts her. He looks like he could kill her at any moment, but she won't leave. Not this time.

„Yeah, you did. And maybe me showing up here makes it clear to you that I don't care.“ Clarke surprises herself when she says those words. This is the first time since she shot him that she's angry at him.

„Clarke, I swear to God, if you don't leave this room right now then I. Will. Kill. You.“

She almost takes a step backward but stops herself at the last second. Instead, she raises her chin and tries not to let her fear show.

„No, first you listen to me“, she says steadily. „I won't go before you promise that you will never hurt yourself again.“ He huffs at that. „You don't get the right to ask that, Clarke“, he says. „Not you.“

„Yeah, maybe“, she replies. „But you also don't get the right to just throw your life away like that.“

Bellamy shakes his head and opens his mouth to say something but Clarke starts speaking again before he can say anything.

„I may have sacrificed Octavia's life for my people, but I saved yours.“

That shuts him up for a moment and for a second, she thinks she almost sees the hate disappear from his eyes. But she's not sure.

„Why do you even care?“, Bellamy asks through clenched teeth. „You may have saved my life but you knew exactly what you were doing to me. You knew that I would...“ He pauses when he hears his voice starting to tremble and closes his eyes for a second to collect himself. „You knew I would never be happy again.“

Clarke simply looks at him. It's the first time in a long time, that he doesn't seem to consist only of hate when he's talking to her. The opposite, even. He looks vulnerable. And his eyes don't carry that anger in them, but a question.

_How could you?_

She wants to go back. Back to the moment she pulled the trigger and put the gun down, even if it means the death of her people. Even if it means she dies in Praimfaya. Nothing could ever be worse than this.

Clarke knows she's close to crying but she holds back her tears.

„Please, Bellamy“, she says quietly. „Just promise me.“

For a moment they just look at each other. „I can't lose you“, she eventually adds in a whisper.

„You _have_ already lost me, Clarke!“, he yells. Clarke flinches. „You don't get the right, okay? You don't get the right to just show up here and act like...like you're allowed to worry about me!“ Tears are streaming down his face and Clarke's body starts shaking, that's how terrible it is to see him this way. „You were everything to me, Clarke. But Octavia was, too. And you can't just expect me to...To...“

He doesn't manage to keep talking. The tears are becoming too many. Clarke allows herself to cry now, too. And she's sure it's a mistake, but she can't help it. And so she takes a step forward, puts her hands onto his shoulders and pulls him into her arms.

She expects him to shove her away but instead, he puts his arms around her waist and pulls her closer.

„I hate you“, he sobs. He says it over and over again, but he's still holding her and eventually he buries his face in her hair, pulling her body to his as closely as he can. „I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.“

They're both shaking and after a while he lets himself sink to the ground with her, while just saying over and over again that he hates her. She desperately holds him as tightly as she can, feeling like if she lets go, he might just disappear forever.

With shaky hands, she slowly strokes his soft black hair and gently holds him in her arms, as if he were a little boy that could fall apart at any moment.

His words are becoming more and more unclear and at some point, they're merely a whisper, so quiet that no one but her could ever hear them.

„Why can't I hate you?“


	4. Chapter 4

She's not sure how many hours pass in which they simply sit there.

They don't say anything. Don't know what they could say. They just stare at the wall in silence as the tears slowly dry on their faces.

Clarke stopped stroking his hair but she's still holding him as tightly as in the very beginning because something tells her that after today, she'll never be able to hold him like this again.

He does the same.

They both know that once they leave this room, they'll go their separate ways. They know even though they don't say it, because maybe they both don't want it to be true.

Clarke is the one who pulls away eventually.

Bellamy looks at her and his eyes ask her if she doesn't feel the same. If she doesn't know that after this, everything will be over between the two of them.

A few seconds later his expression changes and his eyes tell her that he knows the answer.

Because even though she doesn't want this to end, she knows it has to. And for a short moment, she thinks she even sees the hint of a smile on his lips, and for a moment just as short, she almost smiles back.

Because she's always been the one putting her head over her heart, and he has always been the one who doesn't care what his head tells him.

They look at each other in silence. His expression is sadder than anything she's ever seen and he looks tired. So incredibly tired. But not the kind of tired that sleep can fix.

The look in his eyes his empty when eventually he leans forward and puts his lips on hers. She's so surprised that she makes a quiet sound but then she puts her hand on his cheek and kisses him back, while she tries to burn the memory of this into her mind. She never wants to forget this feeling. She knows she won't ever get to feel it again. So she wants to remember because she'd rather live with the pain at the thought of him than to not have him at all.

He presses his lips on hers one last time before he pulls away. His expression hasn't changed. There's still the same sadness and emptiness in his eyes and that's the moment she realizes that the kiss was a goodbye.

Still, she can't help it.

„What was that?“, she asks quietly.

„I don't know“, he replies in a whisper.

Then they're silent again. It's not a heavy kind of silence. It's the kind of silence you don't want to break.

She can see that he's about to cry again, but he doesn't. Instead, he turns to her, his face full of suffering, and asks the question he's long known the answer to.

„Why did you do it?“

His voice is full of pain. Just like him and it takes all the power Clarke has in her to not kiss him again.

„You know why“, she answers quietly. He nods slightly. They don't turn away from each other.

„Why did you kiss me?“, she asks eventually. He's quiet for a moment, then he replies: „You know why.“

That ends the conversation for a while.

„I won't kiss you again if that's what you think“, he says then. He doesn't sound angry or mocking. „This isn't...“ Bellamy pauses and takes a deep breath. „This isn't forgiveness.“

Clarke is sure he expected her to be surprised, but she's not. She knows it won't ever be the way it was. So she nods and finally builds up the courage to get up. He does the same and so they stand in front of each other, both aware that it will be the last time. Because he can't forgive her, but he can't hate her. And they can't be together but they can't be apart, so they have to learn it.

„Goodbye, Clarke“, he says and she nods while she replies: „Goodbye.“

Then she turns to leave but turns around to him one last time before she goes, and he's just looking at her in silence, with the saddest smile on his lips that she has ever seen.

**One year later**

She thinks maybe this is how it was always going to go. She was always going to end up here. She was always going to stand in this room, surrounded by people. She was always going to be on the other side of that gun. She was always going to die this way.

Another person whose loved one she couldn't save. Another life lost because of an impossible choice. Another person who hates her for it. Maybe this is how it was always going to go.

She sees Bellamy standing a few meters away from her, and somehow she likes the thought of him being concerned for her. They haven't talked in a year, yet she misses him like it's the first day. She puts her hands up and prays that the man standing in front of her, whose wife she didn't save, won't pull the trigger.

She can't even be angry at him, deep down. Because she had what she needed to save his wife and she decided against it, out of fear someone else might need the medicine more. Children. She doesn't know if it was the right choice. After all this time she's started to understand that sometimes there isn't one.

„Put the gun away“, she says calmly. „You don't have to do this.“

Tears are streaming down his face and she can see him fighting with himself. He lowers the gun a little a few times but always puts it up again. Her heart is beating faster and faster but she tries not to let it show.

„You need to understand“, she says. Her voice is shaking. „I make the best choices I can. I thought I was doing the right thing.“

He stares at her and for a moment she thinks she might have convinced him.

„Everybody always does.“

With that, he puts his finger on the trigger and Clarke prepares to die just as she sees Bellamy jump in front of her at the same moment she hears the gunshot.

Clarke lets out a scream and puts her hand over her mouth as the people in the crowd quickly go backward. For a moment everything is quiet until Bellamy slowly turns to look at her, his hand pressed onto his bleeding stomach.

„I forgive you.“

Before she can do anything he falls to the ground and she runs to him, her face full of tears. She falls onto her knees beside him as the horrors of finding him half dead on his bedroom floor come back to her. She slaps his hand away to put her own hands on the wound instead while she desperately looks for something to stop the bleeding with.

„Clarke“, he says quietly and his voice is shaking. She doesn't react but instead, continues trying to somehow save his life. She's fixed him up again after she shot him. She can fix him up again now.

She just keeps trying to convince herself of that until he grabs her hand, forcing her to stop.

„It's okay“, he whispers.

„Don't say that“, she sobs. „It's gonna be alright, Bellamy. It's going to be...It's going-“ She doesn't manage to finish the sentence. Her voice fails her.

„Please, Princess“, he says. „Please say something. Anything.“

She keeps herself from continuing to try and save him. She knows there is no point. And so she takes his hand and holds it as tightly as she can while she gently strokes his hair with her other one. She whispers to him that he's going to be with Octavia now, and with his mom. That they're going to be a family again. And she whispers to him that one day she's going to follow, too. That somewhere they're going to get a second chance because the first was ripped right out of their hands.

At some point, she doesn't know what she's saying anymore. It's just empty words that she tells herself so she doesn't fall apart.

„May we meet again“, she sobs helplessly.

„We will“, he whispers back. And then he takes his last breath on the planet that's been so unkind and bleeds to death with his hand in hers.

Maybe this is how it was always going to go.


End file.
